Sunday, May 3, 2009

A Gloomy May 2nd

It is hard to believe that it has been a year since Abram left our lives. I think a lot about May 2nd 2008. I have relived that day moment by moment day after day. I hate that day and the sadness that it has brought so many people. It has been hard to understand, my heart breaks everyday for Josh and Jamie. It is not fair. My life has changed, I know that I hold my children a little tighter, I find myself checking on them constantly, particularly when they are sleeping. And when I say check, I no longer just open the door and look at them, I watch them closely and watch them take a breath, I watch their lungs fill with air. They each at one time or another have had me wake them up because they are sleeping too sound. I hate that moment of helpfulness when I could not make things right. I hate the sound of sirens and I cringe when I hear them, I know that somewhere someones life is changing. I find my heart beating out of my chest. I feel crazy with worry sometimes. I can cry with a thought. I cry harder and try to find happiness and laughter more. I am grateful for my children and pray everyday that they will be safe and happy. I have learned to ask others for help. (I should say I am still learning) This is hard for me. I would rather fix things myself. I hate to worry and burden others with my problems. but I would never had made it through this year without my parents, my family, and my friends new and old. I have learned to confide in those I trust. I have learned to say this day sucks and I need help. I love Josh and Jamie and the confidence they have always had in me. Even when I did not. They call me to see if I am okay, they apologize for me having to go through this, when I know their pain is heavy without mine. I love them for that. I will forever be grateful that I had the opportunity to know Abram, I have learned a lot from him. He was a bit of perfection sent here to help me. Abram will always hold a special place in my heart, I love him and know he watches those he loves closely. I hope that I can learn to appreciate this experience and continue to learn from it. I am still struggling, but with the help of the Lord I can feel peace and hope that I can continue to grow.

7 comments:

Tami said...

Tonya, thank you for openness, honesty, and strength. I admire you very much and find inspiration from you in your trials. Thinking of you.

scrappin'soccermama said...

Tonya, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Such a hard thing but you appear to have turned it into a chance to learn and grow. I hope the Lord continues to bless you with His love.

Nikki and Kevin said...

What a difficult thing to experience but we are always here for you. You touched Abe's life the way you touch so many others. We love you!

Amber said...

Tonya I love you so much and my heart hurts so deeply for you, I am far removed from this trial and I too spend much time sorrowing for Abe, his family and you. I am sorry for all your trials, but even more I admire your unending strength and example.

dynomitegirl said...

There is a moment when life changes and we can not go back. This never has seemed fair to be me, why is it only one moment that can change the course of so many lives forever. I am sorry for you, for Abe, and for Josh and Jamie. Your post touched me, I cried as I read it, you are a beautiful writer. Thank you for letting me peek in on your family from time to time. Christine

AbeSaves said...

We have contemplated for over a month now what to say...we still have no words to truly express how much we love you, how heavy you are in our hearts and minds, how sorry we are for the burden you carry that we can't begin to understand, how much we wish things were different for you, how much we regret how this has affected your little family. Please know that we will ALWAYS consider you family and that you do hold a special place in our broken hearts. All our love Tonya.

si tu veux said...

Tonya...it has been too long. I have missed checking in with you here. I love you. You have had so much hurt in your life, so many reasons...I just want you to know that I love the girl I remember playing those night summer games with, and that you will always be a best friend I had in my childhood. I hope that someday....we can rekindle that friendship, that you will know how much my heart loves you today. Please take care, stay in touch. Good luck with the fence...I will try to remember to check in more often, and want you to know that I am praying for you and your darling children. Hugs and kisses. Your cousin, stacie