A Gloomy May 2nd

It is hard to believe that it has been a year since Abram left our lives. I think a lot about May 2nd 2008. I have relived that day moment by moment day after day. I hate that day and the sadness that it has brought so many people. It has been hard to understand, my heart breaks everyday for Josh and Jamie. It is not fair. My life has changed, I know that I hold my children a little tighter, I find myself checking on them constantly, particularly when they are sleeping. And when I say check, I no longer just open the door and look at them, I watch them closely and watch them take a breath, I watch their lungs fill with air. They each at one time or another have had me wake them up because they are sleeping too sound. I hate that moment of helpfulness when I could not make things right. I hate the sound of sirens and I cringe when I hear them, I know that somewhere someones life is changing. I find my heart beating out of my chest. I feel crazy with worry sometimes. I can cry with a thought. I cry harder and try to find happiness and laughter more. I am grateful for my children and pray everyday that they will be safe and happy. I have learned to ask others for help. (I should say I am still learning) This is hard for me. I would rather fix things myself. I hate to worry and burden others with my problems. but I would never had made it through this year without my parents, my family, and my friends new and old. I have learned to confide in those I trust. I have learned to say this day sucks and I need help. I love Josh and Jamie and the confidence they have always had in me. Even when I did not. They call me to see if I am okay, they apologize for me having to go through this, when I know their pain is heavy without mine. I love them for that. I will forever be grateful that I had the opportunity to know Abram, I have learned a lot from him. He was a bit of perfection sent here to help me. Abram will always hold a special place in my heart, I love him and know he watches those he loves closely. I hope that I can learn to appreciate this experience and continue to learn from it. I am still struggling, but with the help of the Lord I can feel peace and hope that I can continue to grow.